How To Conquer Bitterness

How To Conquer Bitterness

It has been said that bitterness and acid will destroy the vessel that contains them. How true! I have had the awful experience of being bitter at others and, friend it is just not worth it! I beg you to read this blog unto the bitter end (pun intended) and begin the journey out of the prison you have created for yourself by allowing unforgiveness and bitterness to invade and permeate your soul. You may not think you need to do this but those around you can see it and meanwhile you will continue to justify the bad spirit you have worked so hard at keeping unless you take the first step by admitting you are bitter and then wanting the victory over it. Only the Lord can deliver you. In fact, I will be posting other blogs on this subject because it may take you some time to get set free. “Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest ANY root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled.” Hebrews 12:15 Bitterness starts with an unforgiving spirit towards a person or persons who have offended us. In some cases, there may be bitterness towards God Himself! I mean when you think about it God could have stopped the offender from hurting you right? We will address that aspect later.

You May Think You Are Justified

Years ago I had a man come into the office and he was a wreck emotionally from the unforgiveness he held on to as a result of the abuse he had suffered at the hands of his father maybe fifty years earlier. I will not go into the details here so as to not bog you down with mental images. Suffice it to say it was horrible! He said repeatedly, “I hate my father! I hate my father!” The wicked dad was now dead and probably in hell (his words.) Yet because he had not forgiven his dad he was suffering greatly which was affecting his wife and grown children. He stuttered profusely and was paranoid that his wife was cheating on him. He had a continual conflict with his grown son who had learned to be bitter by watching his dad. This poor man had not forgiven his dad for the cruelties and therefore had been delivered over to the tormentors. (Matthew 18:34) Some of the things that will torment a bitter person can be hives, colitis, stomach ulcers, germaphobia, recurring nightmares, unexplained anxiety attacks, and a host of other illnesses.

During another counseling time, I was talking with a man who told me how his stepmother had him and his brother fight as gladiators for her sick entertainment! His bitterness at her and his biological dad was easy to see some seventy years later. The problem did not end at his hatred and bitterness towards his stepmother. It extended to others who were alive who had offended him recently. Remember, “and thereby many be defiled”? Hebrews 12:15c It was impossible to dislodge him from the bitterness he had. He reveled in it!

No doubt there are those reading this who can say, “But you do not know what happened to me!” It is true I do not know the sufferings you endured but the Lord does, and He wants you to get the victory over it. It may be you were raped, beaten, abandoned, or viciously attacked. The very essence of forgiveness is that you must forgive the moral debt they owe you. Let me explain it like this. Let’s say you and I go into business. I provide the funds and you buy the equipment needed for a coffee house.  After a period of time, I come to you and ask how the business is doing expecting a return on my loan. You hang your head and say how the business went belly up because a customer found a dead rat in a biscuit he was served and he sued you out of business. So I say, “You have none of my money to return to me is that right?” and you reply, “No, I lost it all.” I am going have to forgive the debt. You simply can not pay me back what you owe me. There it is! Did you get it? Your offender cannot pay you back what is owed you. Maybe he took your innocence, maybe your purity, maybe your good name, maybe a child was murdered and he cannot give him or her back to you. So since he cannot pay you back, you take it upon yourself to hate him or her until you feel better about it. You may as well drink salt water to satisfy your thirst. Any sailor will tell you if stranded at sea, never drink ocean water to quench your thirst. You will go insane in a short amount of time. The same is true for bitter people. You are drinking the poison out of the cup hoping the other person will die and all the while you are the one getting sick! A person who is bitter will not think clearly. The occupation in your mind of the offender will cloud your thinking. A good working definition of bitterness is “the unresolved violation of my justice system.” Please remember that it is not our place to put them on trial or to exact a pound of flesh from them. They cannot undo their sin(s) against you! They cannot pay you back! That is the Lord’s job to exact whatever type of justice is due. You and I will never do it right. By the way, Christian aren’t you glad the Lord has forgiven you of all your sins past, present, and future? Why don’t you do the same? The Lord will give you the grace to do so. Read all of Matthew chapter eighteen right now. Do NOT forgive them and then wait for the Lord to hurt them. That is NOT forgiveness! God desires mercy and not sacrifice. So should you!

 Having A Conscience Void Of Offense

It is a wonderful thing to not be bitter! I know! I have been bitter (starting with unforgiveness) a few times and have been tempted many other times. Years ago my precious deacon left me for another church and they took him right in and made him a deacon there. I was devastated! I loved him dearly and because of a few misunderstandings, he left without trying to work it out. I was honest with the Lord when I said, “Dear Lord I do not even want to forgive him! This hurts so much!” (Might as well be transparent with God.) He knows all of our thoughts anyway. I began by praying, “Lord I know I should forgive but I can’t. Can you please help me to at least want to forgive him?” after weeks of praying I began to want to a little. I kept praying and God gave grace and I forgave him in my heart. I had the victory! Then the Holy Spirit said, “Now take him out to lunch.” We had a great time together. You may be asking, “Did he say he was sorry for what he did?” No, and your offender may never ask your forgiveness either! Don’t set yourself up for disappointment by expecting them to do so.

Suffering From Depression

Suffering From Depression

Depression is nothing to be ashamed of and it is far more common than most people think. I wanted to be sure and start off making that statement for two reasons, first if you are suffering from depression or anxiety attacks I want you to know you will not be judged or shamed into “getting better”  by me in this blog post. Really… who wants that anyway? You may be desperate for help but  have had so many shallow attempts at help from those who have not taken the time to listen to you, that you are leery at the next offer. The second reason is if you are a “normal” person searching for help for a friend I do not want you to get ammunition to misuse against your loved one to “fix” them with a one size fits all solution. There are many reasons people suffer from depression, bi polar disorder or have had panic attacks and I am asking that we listen much and speak little when helping others. It just may be that you and I do not know the whole story! There are many symptoms of depression and we should be on the lookout to help our loved ones get the help they need. The American Psychiatric Association defines depression as: “Depression (major depressive disorder) is a common and serious medical illness that negatively affects how you feel, the way you think and how you act. Fortunately, it is also treatable. Depression causes feelings of sadness and/or a loss of interest in activities once enjoyed. It can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems and can decrease a person’s ability to function at work and at home.” (from It is estimated that 16.2 million adults in the United States or 6.7 % of adults have had at least one major depressive episode in a given year. Friend, you are not alone in this! This problem especially affects the Hollywood elite, mainly because they have a distorted world view that encourages vanity and living for self which can never satisfy. There are many recent tragic deaths or overdoses that have claimed the lives of the rich and famous. People like Robin Williams, John Belushi, and Chris Farley have self destructed right before our eyes from their wrong approach to life resulting in an untimely death from drugs or suicide.

Depression: One Size Does Not Fit All

As I counsel people who are suffering I am aware that there are many reasons a person may suffer from depression. I know of many who have experienced the loss of a loved one and miss them terribly. The anniversary of their death or the birthday of the loved one is a day of grief and sadness.  Especially hard is the death of an infant through a stillbirth or SIDS. Maybe there was a terrible accident that you feel is your fault. I know of a few who suffer from survivor’s guilt. They have had people die next to them and wonder why they were left behind, wishing they had been the one who was taken in the tragedy. It is important to find a friend who will listen carefully and not be quick to pass judgment.

I remember one man in particular who was beaten mercilessly by his father and then was told, “I wish the boy down the road was my son and not you!” Sidenote: Please never quote the old proverb. “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me.” That is a bold-faced lie. Nothing could be further from the truth! His depression led into extreme bitterness and affected his whole family. This, in turn, led into paranoia and stuttering. Being abused physically is a cruel burden to bear.

I recall another man who was repeatedly raped as a young boy by two gay uncles. He was severely depressed and sixty years later he was still drinking himself into oblivion every day so he does not have to deal with the memories. Sexual abuse causes depression, especially if the abused is a minor. He once told me God did not care about him and had no use for him. Being abused sexually is a cruel burden to bear. This is one of the most extreme forms of abuse that will deal a crippling blow to the youngster (or adult) who experiences this.

It may be that your family may have been involved in the occult i.e. Ouija boards, bloody mary, seances, or reading Harry Potter or Stephen King books. I am intimately familiar with a mother who did palm readings, attended seances and visited a fortune teller. The spirits she summoned did great harm to one of her daughters who had severe depression leading to suicidal thoughts. Please see my blog, “THE WARFARE AROUND YOU”. Also for a thorough treatment of the subject please read, “Demons In The World Around You”, by Merrill F. Unger. Depression as a result of exposure to the occult is a cruel burden to bear! I would implore you that the Lord Jesus can set even these precious people free. If you are suffering from post occult depression please contact me. If you are in the mid-Michigan area we can meet. If you are out of state I know where you can get help. Don’t play with this stuff!

There are thousands of our returning veterans who suffer from PTSD. This is a unique form of depression that results in flashbacks to the battle field, sudden outbursts of anger, withdrawal from loved ones, or prolonged periods of extreme sadness. Preventing suicide among veterans is fast becoming a priority in the world of mental health. I have served sixteen years in the United States NAVY but I have never been under live fire or had to kill any one in combat, but for those that have it may seem to them like a reoccurring nightmare that haunts them when they close their eyes or try to get a good night of sleep.  The counseling that is needed for our wounded warriors is time consuming and sensitive but oh so needed! Many times the wounded warrior will not open up about PTSD unless the counselor is another veteran who has experienced taking a life or been pinned down in a firefight. My eyes were opened when I received my PTSD Level 1 Training certificate from the Wounded Spirits Institute. We must understand this and give them the time and love they need. They need to know that others vets have received help and that there is hope for them too. Depression as a result of PTSD is a cruel burden to bear!

Then there is social media. Dare I go there? I will. Recent studies have shown a correlation between screen time and depression. Teens are especially susceptible to this type of depression because they are continually exposed to the lives of the rich and famous and feel they have to keep up which is impossible. Then there is the huge problem with online bullying and inane things like facebook fights. People get so attached to fb that they even say, “Good Morning facebook!” or at the end of the day they will  sign off with, “Good Night Facebook!” As I read these type of things I think of how silly it is but for the addict, it is their virtual reality! My wife and I have determined that our children will not get a cell phone until they are eighteen. This is not child abuse. They will learn to read whole books, play an instrument, play outside, exercise, have eye contact with others and not busy themselves with playing Candy Crush.  There has even been a new medical/psychological term coined by the name of  “digital dementia” which refers to the decreased capacity to think or process thoughts normally. Another term is “digital zombie” , which the Executive Chairman of Google Eric Schmidt is worried about. You may ask why I am posting this on the internet then. Isn’t that hypocritical? No. My theory is that I do not like that fact that so many are surfing from one site to the other for most of their day, but if they do live online then they are going to meet me there with good content. After they have gotten the help they need they ought to get outside, feel the sunshine, walk the dog or ride a bike! 

Men and Depression

Ok men, if you are like me in the least you are a little nervous to even read this portion of the blog post. I mean aren’t only weak people subject to depression? Men, please do not forget what I said at the opening of this post, “Depression is nothing to be ashamed of and is far more common then we think.” I too have suffered from depression and anxiety. I had some bad news in the middle of 2016 and again at the beginning of 2017 which threw my world into a tail spin and it took me several months to pray through it. Only my wife knew the extreme depths of sorrow I experienced and I am thankful she was my confidant and stay, humanly speaking. By the grace of God the Lord brought me back into a calm mindset and He has deepened my message as a result. I am a pastor and I do not view my world as purely organic. “What in the world are you saying, Brother Whalen?” By that I mean I believe very strongly in the supernatural unseen world around us. (Please see article, The Warfare Around You.) We must also understand that some mental illness is organic, (i.e. physical)  Back to the spiritual: There is a devil who hates you and will feed you lies if you care to listen to him. Many thoughts that people have are dark in nature and they try to push them away with little or no success. To try to do this is about as effective as using a flashlight with no battery to light up a dark room. Only light can conquer darkness! “The entrance of thy words giveth light; it giveth understanding unto the simple.” Psalm 119:130 If we combat the dark with the light of God’s word we will experience victory! There will still be a need for a godly mentor and counseling but the Bible promises, if we meditate “day and night…he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that bringeth forth his fruit in his season; his leaf also shall not wither; and whatsoever he doeth shall prosper. Psalm 1:2,3 (More to follow. Leave a comment and add to the discussion.)