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Foster Parents Needed Now!

Foster Parents Needed Now!

by | Jul 11, 2018 | Foster Care | 0 comments

I am making a shameless appeal to Bible believing churches to have their church members pray and consider being a foster family with the possible option of adopting the children they foster. You may already have a family or you may be childless. It does not matter. You should still PRAY about what the Lord would have you to do. It might be He will lead you to foster to adopt or maybe it is just to foster without adoption. We need you too! Then please consider helping the foster family with love and support. Possibly you could volunteer to babysit while the mom and dad have a small break. Or maybe it would be that you would come alongside a foster family and relieve the mom by offering to help with housework. Ask if you can mow the lawn for them. Help them at church by  showing patience as the children act out a little in the service. I am a pastor and we could not foster if I had a regular nine to five job. We are busy with seven children! Cathy will oftentimes call me and say, “I need you right now!” I am glad to be on call and take a few children over to the church with me and continue their homeschooling in my office as I work. Remember they came from a hard place so to speak and they will need more love and guidance than your biological children did. My precious wife and I have been on this journey for ten years now and have had twenty seven children come through our care and we have adopted six children. “I must be crazy!” I say to myself. “I am turning fifty nine soon and I am still changing diapers? Yes, but I view it as a sacred trust and duty. I want to raise these children with lots of love and for the glory of God!”

About now dear reader you are saying, “Yes, you are crazy!” or “I could never do that. I could never love a child and become emotionally attached only to have that same child sent back to their biological parents.” Our hearts have been broken to pieces many times during this journey but I thank the Lord that one of our trainers said, “You have to love them enough to take them in and help them and you have to love them enough to let them go.” And really, does not every relationship on earth end sooner or later? What a thrill to know you have impacted a life for time and for eternity! Of course the decision to remove or return a child never rests with us. Humanly speaking it rests with the court system, DHS, coaches, or even the parent’s willingness to receive the parenting classes and substance abuse counseling offered to them. As Christians we know the Lord runs things and we  must pray and trust His sovereignty in these and all other matters. Believe me when I say we have been driven to our knees in prayer many times when we see the stress these little ones have endured or the antics they perform on a daily basis. Malani once asked me, How old was I when you (dad) were pregnant for me?” That was a hard one to answer and I could not beg off by saying, “Go ask your mother.”

GRIM STATISTICS

According to the state of Michigan’s official website, www.michigan.gov/fostercare there are thirteen thousand children in foster care and over three hundred that need a foster family right now in this state. Just Shiawassee County DHS alone has their work cut out for them. The foster care system in every state is under tremendous pressure from the massive caseload put upon them. Across the United States there were 427,000 foster children in care at the end of the fiscal year 2015 and in 2016 the number jumped to over 437,500!  The opioid epidemic has further stretched overworked resources. Many times drugs and child abuse seem to go hand in hand. The worst states are Indiana, West Virginia, Florida, and Georgia. From 2015 to 2016 drug abuse rose an astounding 32% in these states alone!  If these precious children are not cared for they become candidates for human trafficking or sex trafficking. Children who are not cared for in a loving nurturing home are far more likely to quit school, abuse drugs, go to jail or end up pregnant outside of marriage. On a positive note, the number of country-wide adoptions rose up from 54,000 in FY 2015 to 57,000 in FY 2016. All of the children we have adopted have been removed under adverse conditions but I will not comment on any particulars nor will I either confirm nor deny any reasons for removal to protect their innocence. If you foster or foster to adopt you may be asked hard questions such as, “Why didn’t my mom love me?” or, “Is my daddy still in prison?” Believe me when I say you will need the wisdom that only comes from God to tactfully answer those questions. A word of advice is in order here. No matter what YOU may think of the biological parents you must never run their parents down or belittle them. In so doing you are lowering that child’s self-worth also. We know of instances where the biological parents are themselves the victims of terrible, or no parenting from their own parents!

THEY CAME FROM A HARD PLACE

Not so long ago a mother is Shiawassee county was sent to prison for child abuse. The details are sickening and will not be covered in this post. Hopefully, the child will have no memory of this. However, you may foster a child that is old enough and remembers every detail of what happened to them and therefore will act out upon arrival at your front door. We know of a foster family in another county that had a child get out of bed, urinate on his pillow, and then go right back to bed using that same pillow! As bizarre as that is, it made perfect sense to the child. He had been living in filthy conditions and the smell of urine made him feel a little bit safer. Sadly, it reminded him of the home where he was removed. A child may have severe nightmares or as it is called night terrors when a memory is triggered by a seemingly normal event in our estimation. It may be a dog barking, a dish crashing to the floor, or a loud voice. Be ready for these things. They do not have to make sense to us. Remember, they came from a hard place. The social worker will let you know what is needed about the child and you take it from there. As the child is placed in a new environment many times they will naturally revert back to some old “acting out” to get attention or they may be testing the water to see what is acceptable in this new house.

This next piece of advice is priceless. MAKE SURE your biological children are fully “onboard” with this thing called fostering. Prepare them with the fact that life will be different and that the new child may steal, lie, or be demanding. Some of you may say, “That’s no problem! My kids are like that right now.” Believe me. It WILL be different! Then prepare yourself and your biological children that there will be no favoritism shown in the house to anyone. This is where the balancing act comes full circle. Fact: You already love your own children and now you have a child that is a real handful! He or she may wet the bed, destroy a toy or refuse to eat the delicious meal you just prepared. Love all of the children in their own special way that they need.Be prepared to compromise just a bit and not insist that, “It’s my way or the highway buster!” I have a theory that there are times you will get more by asking for less. They may have come from that hard place where it was a job just to survive let alone thrive. (I am sure there are many people reading this who have questions or comments. Please add to the post with your thoughts.) Thank you!

Suffering From Depression

Suffering From Depression

by | Jul 8, 2018 | Depression | 0 comments

Depression is nothing to be ashamed of and it is far more common than most people think. I wanted to be sure and start off making that statement for two reasons, first if you are suffering from depression or anxiety attacks I want you to know you will not be judged or shamed into “getting better”  by me in this blog post. Really… who wants that anyway? You may be desperate for help but  have had so many shallow attempts at help from those who have not taken the time to listen to you, that you are leery at the next offer. The second reason is if you are a “normal” person searching for help for a friend I do not want you to get ammunition to misuse against your loved one to “fix” them with a one size fits all solution. There are many reasons people suffer from depression, bi polar disorder or have had panic attacks and I am asking that we listen much and speak little when helping others. It just may be that you and I do not know the whole story! There are many symptoms of depression and we should be on the lookout to help our loved ones get the help they need. The American Psychiatric Association defines depression as: “Depression (major depressive disorder) is a common and serious medical illness that negatively affects how you feel, the way you think and how you act. Fortunately, it is also treatable. Depression causes feelings of sadness and/or a loss of interest in activities once enjoyed. It can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems and can decrease a person’s ability to function at work and at home.” (from www.psychiatry.org) It is estimated that 16.2 million adults in the United States or 6.7 % of adults have had at least one major depressive episode in a given year. Friend, you are not alone in this! This problem especially affects the Hollywood elite, mainly because they have a distorted world view that encourages vanity and living for self which can never satisfy. There are many recent tragic deaths or overdoses that have claimed the lives of the rich and famous. People like Robin Williams, John Belushi, and Chris Farley have self destructed right before our eyes from their wrong approach to life resulting in an untimely death from drugs or suicide.

Depression: One Size Does Not Fit All

As I counsel people who are suffering I am aware that there are many reasons a person may suffer from depression. I know of many who have experienced the loss of a loved one and miss them terribly. The anniversary of their death or the birthday of the loved one is a day of grief and sadness.  Especially hard is the death of an infant through a stillbirth or SIDS. Maybe there was a terrible accident that you feel is your fault. I know of a few who suffer from survivor’s guilt. They have had people die next to them and wonder why they were left behind, wishing they had been the one who was taken in the tragedy. It is important to find a friend who will listen carefully and not be quick to pass judgment.

I remember one man in particular who was beaten mercilessly by his father and then was told, “I wish the boy down the road was my son and not you!” Sidenote: Please never quote the old proverb. “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me.” That is a bold-faced lie. Nothing could be further from the truth! His depression led into extreme bitterness and affected his whole family. This, in turn, led into paranoia and stuttering. Being abused physically is a cruel burden to bear.

I recall another man who was repeatedly raped as a young boy by two gay uncles. He was severely depressed and sixty years later he was still drinking himself into oblivion every day so he does not have to deal with the memories. Sexual abuse causes depression, especially if the abused is a minor. He once told me God did not care about him and had no use for him. Being abused sexually is a cruel burden to bear. This is one of the most extreme forms of abuse that will deal a crippling blow to the youngster (or adult) who experiences this.

It may be that your family may have been involved in the occult i.e. Ouija boards, bloody mary, seances, or reading Harry Potter or Stephen King books. I am intimately familiar with a mother who did palm readings, attended seances and visited a fortune teller. The spirits she summoned did great harm to one of her daughters who had severe depression leading to suicidal thoughts. Please see my blog, “THE WARFARE AROUND YOU”. Also for a thorough treatment of the subject please read, “Demons In The World Around You”, by Merrill F. Unger. Depression as a result of exposure to the occult is a cruel burden to bear! I would implore you that the Lord Jesus can set even these precious people free. If you are suffering from post occult depression please contact me. If you are in the mid-Michigan area we can meet. If you are out of state I know where you can get help. Don’t play with this stuff!

There are thousands of our returning veterans who suffer from PTSD. This is a unique form of depression that results in flashbacks to the battle field, sudden outbursts of anger, withdrawal from loved ones, or prolonged periods of extreme sadness. Preventing suicide among veterans is fast becoming a priority in the world of mental health. I have served sixteen years in the United States NAVY but I have never been under live fire or had to kill any one in combat, but for those that have it may seem to them like a reoccurring nightmare that haunts them when they close their eyes or try to get a good night of sleep.  The counseling that is needed for our wounded warriors is time consuming and sensitive but oh so needed! Many times the wounded warrior will not open up about PTSD unless the counselor is another veteran who has experienced taking a life or been pinned down in a firefight. My eyes were opened when I received my PTSD Level 1 Training certificate from the Wounded Spirits Institute. We must understand this and give them the time and love they need. They need to know that others vets have received help and that there is hope for them too. Depression as a result of PTSD is a cruel burden to bear!

Then there is social media. Dare I go there? I will. Recent studies have shown a correlation between screen time and depression. Teens are especially susceptible to this type of depression because they are continually exposed to the lives of the rich and famous and feel they have to keep up which is impossible. Then there is the huge problem with online bullying and inane things like facebook fights. People get so attached to fb that they even say, “Good Morning facebook!” or at the end of the day they will  sign off with, “Good Night Facebook!” As I read these type of things I think of how silly it is but for the addict, it is their virtual reality! My wife and I have determined that our children will not get a cell phone until they are eighteen. This is not child abuse. They will learn to read whole books, play an instrument, play outside, exercise, have eye contact with others and not busy themselves with playing Candy Crush.  There has even been a new medical/psychological term coined by the name of  “digital dementia” which refers to the decreased capacity to think or process thoughts normally. Another term is “digital zombie” , which the Executive Chairman of Google Eric Schmidt is worried about. You may ask why I am posting this on the internet then. Isn’t that hypocritical? No. My theory is that I do not like that fact that so many are surfing from one site to the other for most of their day, but if they do live online then they are going to meet me there with good content. After they have gotten the help they need they ought to get outside, feel the sunshine, walk the dog or ride a bike! 

Men and Depression

Ok men, if you are like me in the least you are a little nervous to even read this portion of the blog post. I mean aren’t only weak people subject to depression? Men, please do not forget what I said at the opening of this post, “Depression is nothing to be ashamed of and is far more common then we think.” I too have suffered from depression and anxiety. I had some bad news in the middle of 2016 and again at the beginning of 2017 which threw my world into a tail spin and it took me several months to pray through it. Only my wife knew the extreme depths of sorrow I experienced and I am thankful she was my confidant and stay, humanly speaking. By the grace of God the Lord brought me back into a calm mindset and He has deepened my message as a result. I am a pastor and I do not view my world as purely organic. “What in the world are you saying, Brother Whalen?” By that I mean I believe very strongly in the supernatural unseen world around us. (Please see article, The Warfare Around You.) We must also understand that some mental illness is organic, (i.e. physical)  Back to the spiritual: There is a devil who hates you and will feed you lies if you care to listen to him. Many thoughts that people have are dark in nature and they try to push them away with little or no success. To try to do this is about as effective as using a flashlight with no battery to light up a dark room. Only light can conquer darkness! “The entrance of thy words giveth light; it giveth understanding unto the simple.” Psalm 119:130 If we combat the dark with the light of God’s word we will experience victory! There will still be a need for a godly mentor and counseling but the Bible promises, if we meditate “day and night…he shall be like a tree planted by the rivers of water, that bringeth forth his fruit in his season; his leaf also shall not wither; and whatsoever he doeth shall prosper. Psalm 1:2,3 (More to follow. Leave a comment and add to the discussion.)